What now?

I had the most incredibly vivid and real and terrifying dream I can ever recall. This morning.  My mom woke me up around 9:45 to make sure I wasn't missing my appointment.  It's NEXT Wednesday, so I promptly went back to sleep.

The first part I remember, I was in a house.  In a dining room.  Maybe sitting at a table.  There were parts of this dream that I remember only vaguely.  I was in this house with Lord Voldemort.  I think another person or two was also imprisoned.  Not with chains or anything tangible.  But we knew that we couldn't leave.  I recall feeling a very strong sense of what I can only describe as evil.  He was angry.  He hated us.  Despised us.  And I could feel it.

The last month has brought one of the worst tornado outbreaks in recorded history to the American South.  And the last year has seen earthquakes in Arkansas, which were previously a rare and at best, hardly perceptible occurrence, become rather frequent and noticeable.  My dream moved away from Lord Voldemort, I think.  Someone came to warn us that a great earthquake was only moments away.  I don't think that's something you can be warned of like that, but remember this was a dream.

I ran into a bedroom with two of my friends.  We hid under two blankets.  I don't remember now who the girl in the bed under the other blanket was, but she was defiinitely someone I knew.  The girl I shared a blanket with is a different matter.  Here, I'll call her Natalie.

I know it's a perfectly irrational thing, to hid under blankets when an earthquake is expected to hit.  But again, this was a dream.  And these were special blankets.  They were somehow protective.

So there's this earthquake gonna happen, we all know there are multiple, powerful tornadoes in the neighborhood, at this very moment, and we are petrified.  I don't remember any screaming though.

This is where it gets intense.  Many of the details are blurry, but I hope I never forget the way I felt.

We were lying on our backs as our blanket-covered world began to toss violently. A deafening roar filled the room, our ears, our thoughts.  Molten lava rolled in waves toward us, swallowing up roadways and power lines, adding the rumbling hiss of flames to the apocalyptic cacophony.  We were still under the blankets.

There came to me a realization without the faintest hint of uncertainty: the world was coming to an end.  Perhaps this wasn't quite the end, but it would be our end.

The roaring never went away, but I didn't need to shout for Natalie to hear me. For whatever reason, I was very comfortable that I knew the nameless girl's condition, but I had a question for Natalie.  "If we die right now, will I see you in heaven?"  She answered with a slightly delayed and weak, "yeah".  I was at first uncomfortable with that reply, but then I realized that the hesitation  in her voice was fear.  I felt that fear too.  She asked, "what about you?" and I said, "absolutely."

Her next words are what haunted me all day.  "What now?"  My response was actually a rather profound revelation.  I will use quotations only on the words I remember saying specifically, and I will do my best to accurately recreate the rest.  "My only prayer is that" I can stay to make sure someone else will be there (Heaven) too.

But at this point, we knew we were gone.  The magma was getting closer, the roaring becoming louder, or world was sloshing like an 'ocean-in-a-bottle' in the hands of a fascinated 8-yr old.  I recall questioning why I was afraid.  The answer was simple.  This death would inevitably be painful.

The heat pressed in closer and heavier.  It was so hard to breathe.  I had in my heart a prayer that never became words.  Please let this be quick.  I don't want to hurt long.  Yellow magma so hot it was almost white filled my vision.  The thunderous howling pushed most of my thoughts from my head.  I struggled for those last gulps of oxygen.

Just as I was about to die, I landed hard on my left knee and right hip.  My right elbow met with the floor and pain shot up to my shoulder.  I gasped for that first breath.

In movies, you see dramatizations of gasping for air.  A person nearly drowns, but by some miracle, the water is expelled and this person sputters and gasps for that first breath.  This was a gasp for that air, but also a gasp for the first breath of life.

A sharp and heavy blow met with the middle of my back and I groaned.  But I was grateful to feel Natalie beside me and to hear her first desperate gasp.  A few greedy pants later, I looked over to see the nameless girl flip her blanket off and stare around, bewildered.  We had all thought we would be dead.  No. We had known it.  The only word I have for what filled that bedroom in that moment is 'wonder'.

I was gasping on the floor and then I woke up to see that my mom was calling me.



---Wednesday, May 11, 2011

This dream bothered me deeply, disturbed me.  My only prayer was not for my own rescue.  In that last moment, I wanted only to have another chance to bring another soul to Christ.  This is the closest I've ever come to having a "near-death experience".  But it was enough to make me realize that if I don't seize every opportunity I have to share God with the people I encounter.... in my very last moments, I will regret it.

If I remembered who the nameless girl was, I would have spoken to her.  But in Natalie's very own words, she told me "Yes you will".  I had to ask.

This dream has made me ponder a great deal lately.  Question myself very critically.  What am I doing with my life?  Not just generally.  Not just a career. Not just my purpose on this planet.  But how am I using this moment to fulfill that purpose.  Will my next hour be wasted or will I use it in a way I won't regret?  Will my next breath be used to bring someone to God?  Am I taking up space, breathing in oxygen, accomplishing little to be proud of, forgetting that these things are not what will matter in the end?  The resounding yes has me feeling very ashamed.  And very determined to change that.  So, what now?

What will we do now?

Promise me something, okay?

Tonight I asked my little sister to promise never to be like me or her other big sister.  That is not something that should ever have to happen.

Big sisters should be people to look up to.
Big sisters should be role models.
Big sisters should be good examples.

So far, all we've been is good examples of how not to be.  How to be hateful. How to be disrespectful.  How to be rebellious.

I can't describe to you how it feels to realize that you contributed to the fall of a beloved sister.  Or the heart-wrenching fear that another may someday follow the same path.

Love, Mom

Dear Julie,

I am so proud of the young woman you are becoming.  You are smart and beautiful but more importantly you are a truly kind and caring person.  It is encouraging to see your love for the Lord and I pray you will always follow the path He lays before you, (wherever that path leads).
Things haven't always been easy for you.  I believe you will be a stronger person for having been through some of these things.  You have a kindness and compassion that can't be taught.  You need to make sure you don't allow that kindness to let people take advantage of you.
You have accomplished so many things already and have such high aspirations.  Just remember that you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.
I hope you know that you can always talk to me about anything.  You will always have a home to run to when the world gets too cold.  And you will always have people who love you no matter how badly you screw up.
Keep your chin up and your eyes on the road.  Don't try too hard to be perfect!  find what makes you happy and grab hold of it with both hands.  And always remember how much I love you!

Love,
   Mom

This was part of our Girls' Retreat a few years ago.  It still speaks to me.  My mother is my best friend.  It's just weird that she signed it 'Mom'.  I call her Mama.  Or Mumsy.  Whichever suits me at the moment.

Love Walks Softly

Each moment together is but a breath. Each moment apart is eternity. In your arms, my heart beats with twice its strength. In your absence, my heart strains with each pulse... te echo de menos, mi amante, mi alma gemela, mi eternidad

I wrote this at 18.  I was completely out of my brain at the time.  In love with the idea of love.  I'm actually fairly impressed with myself for writing something so poetic.

But somehow, I think the poetry of love itself is something less flowery.  Not so showy.  Not nearly as dramatic.

Because love is loud.  And quiet at the same time.  It calls attention to itself.  And it walks softly in the background.

My understanding of love is still evolving.  And every sunrise I find it to be more beautiful than I'd thought it to be the last sunset.

How to Write a Taylor Swift Song

From a live chat with Taylor Swift


Q: What is your advice for first-time songwriters?

Swift: My advice for first-time songwriters would be to know the person you're writing the song about. First, know that. And then write a letter to him, like what you would say if you could. That's why I listen to music, because it says how I feel better than I could, and it says what I wish I'd said when that moment was there. I would say, be as direct as you possibly can. If you need to dial it back later, then I guess do that, but for me, the more details, the better. The more it seems like a journal entry, the better. The more it seems like an open letter, the better -- the more real and true and honest it gets, where you're naming the places you were and the time it happened, all the things about a relationship.

So, I have a song that needs to be written.  One of those, this-is-what-I-might-have-said songs.  Not that I write songs.  This is as close as it gets.  I wrote this in August of 2010.


In every scene we've ever played, laughter has always been our accompaniment.

Now, I never really liked her; she wasn't right for you.  But she never really had a chance, the only girl I'd like with you is me.

ha! and that time you told Dr. Bailey you would love to fight the California wildfires!

Amazonian princess? really?

Funny how I can't recall how we started.  I just seems like it always was there.  No explanation of how we met. No deliberate introduction.  All the others, the came because of us.  But we were there from the start.

You and your percussion tendencies.

There were moments, like sitting on that huge rock, I wondered what we'd be... if only we'd let ourselves be...

I always loved the things your shirts said.

and all the times you laid your head in my lap and I played with your hair...

looking back now, I said we were just friends, and it's true.  I never let myself feel anything more.

I remember sitting in a corner of the hallway, talking on the phone until we both had to go.  I never talked on the phone.

and when we ran for Student Government together... I swear I had that shirt on my wall for a year!

You had no clue, but I watched you once.  From my window.  And I wrote my very first love song about you.

But you always seem SO happy to see  me.  I always get the biggest hug.  One time you were running so fast, I was sure you'd run me over.  You slowed down just enough to pick me up and spin me around.



http://www.cmt.com/news/country-music/1644185/taylor-swift-elaborates-on-new-music-songwriting-and-tour-memories.jhtml

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnfkyEA2vkM