Saturday, February 14th
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I swear it's 4:00 and I can't go back to sleep. I don't know what it is about this place that makes a person not able to sleep. Maybe it's the rock hard beds and useless pillows. Or maybe it's the simple knowledge that you're in a psychiatric facility that prevents restfulness. Whatever the reason, this is the worst I've rested since I can remember.
I had a dream last night. I'm sure I had many, but this one sticks out in my mind. Seth had come to visit me. The first thing he did was look around. Then he looked at me and said, "you don't belong here." It was a strange feeling, but I remember very vividly having a realization as I replied, "yes I do."
I am so ready to be better, to have this whole mess figured out and to be home, living a successful, passionate life again. You don't know how ready for that I am. In that same dream, I recall Seth commenting on how different I seemed. I pointed out that he had never seen me "normal". Apparently I had been given some miracle drug that stabilized my moods and did everything I could possibly want it to. But I can't help thinking that I probably wouldn't recognize myself normal. Rather than concerning me, however, this excites me. I so greatly dislike who I am now, that such a drastic change would surely be welcome. Is it strange, then, for me to hope that I'm bipolar?
OMG. This is ridiculous. I just asked the nurse on rounds what time it is. Guess. Just guess. 3:30. Agh. I'm hungry, wide-awake, and ready to meet my psychiatrist. Grr. Not cool. Definitely not cool. Ah well. Maybe now with some of those thoughts out of my head, I'll be able to sleep.
I had a dream last night. I'm sure I had many, but this one sticks out in my mind. Seth had come to visit me. The first thing he did was look around. Then he looked at me and said, "you don't belong here." It was a strange feeling, but I remember very vividly having a realization as I replied, "yes I do."
I am so ready to be better, to have this whole mess figured out and to be home, living a successful, passionate life again. You don't know how ready for that I am. In that same dream, I recall Seth commenting on how different I seemed. I pointed out that he had never seen me "normal". Apparently I had been given some miracle drug that stabilized my moods and did everything I could possibly want it to. But I can't help thinking that I probably wouldn't recognize myself normal. Rather than concerning me, however, this excites me. I so greatly dislike who I am now, that such a drastic change would surely be welcome. Is it strange, then, for me to hope that I'm bipolar?
OMG. This is ridiculous. I just asked the nurse on rounds what time it is. Guess. Just guess. 3:30. Agh. I'm hungry, wide-awake, and ready to meet my psychiatrist. Grr. Not cool. Definitely not cool. Ah well. Maybe now with some of those thoughts out of my head, I'll be able to sleep.
Saturday, February 14th
8:30 a.m.
8:30 a.m.
No such luck. I got up and got something to eat because my stomach was hurting. Then I sat in the Day Room until 5, at which point I began to feel ill. I informed the nurses that I was nauseous and a little dizzy. The next few seconds were a blur. I said, " I think I'm going to pass out," leaned against the counter and slid to the floor. Fun stuff, let me tell you.
They checked my blood sugar and said I was good. So, I don't know what that was all about. But I went back to sleep until 8, when I had to have my vitals checked.
I hope Mama comes to visit today. I'm gonna call Seth and see if he'll come up tomorrow. I just want a familiar face, maybe someone to give me a hug. I feel so lost here. I feel... like I'm not feeling anything. I'm not depressed; I'm not having any compulsive urges; I'm completely numb. I am having a little bit of anxiety, since I haven't seen my doctor yet. But it's like I've put myself on defense. I'm not comfortable here, so I'm in survival mode.
They checked my blood sugar and said I was good. So, I don't know what that was all about. But I went back to sleep until 8, when I had to have my vitals checked.
I hope Mama comes to visit today. I'm gonna call Seth and see if he'll come up tomorrow. I just want a familiar face, maybe someone to give me a hug. I feel so lost here. I feel... like I'm not feeling anything. I'm not depressed; I'm not having any compulsive urges; I'm completely numb. I am having a little bit of anxiety, since I haven't seen my doctor yet. But it's like I've put myself on defense. I'm not comfortable here, so I'm in survival mode.
Saturday, February 14th
11:15 a.m.
11:15 a.m.
I had my first group therapy session earlier. I actually enjoyed it, which was surprising to me. I still feel like it would be better to have small group sessions, but what do I know? The therapist guy said that some people complain that there is no individual counseling. I was like, "yeah." But he said that he thought some of the best therapy goes on in the Day Room, between the patients.
This, I think, may be the key. If you want something out of this experience, all you've got to do is put something into it. Most of us here just want someone to listen to our story and not judge. You can talk to anyone about your problems here and immediately, there's a connection. They just take what you're saying at face value and don't think less of you for it. I wish real life were like that.
Another thing asked in group was the question: If you were a survivior of a plane crash, what resolution would you make to change your life? I said that I would appreciate every day I was given. I think then I would live my life passionately, the way life should be lived. The purpose of this question was to compare that second chance to our experience here at Bridgeway. I guess that's something I hadn't considered. This is an opportunity.
This, I think, may be the key. If you want something out of this experience, all you've got to do is put something into it. Most of us here just want someone to listen to our story and not judge. You can talk to anyone about your problems here and immediately, there's a connection. They just take what you're saying at face value and don't think less of you for it. I wish real life were like that.
Another thing asked in group was the question: If you were a survivior of a plane crash, what resolution would you make to change your life? I said that I would appreciate every day I was given. I think then I would live my life passionately, the way life should be lived. The purpose of this question was to compare that second chance to our experience here at Bridgeway. I guess that's something I hadn't considered. This is an opportunity.
Saturday, February 14th
8:00 p.m.
8:00 p.m.
I haven't written since this morning, so I have a lot of ground to cover. Mama, Grams, and my sister Becca came to visit at lunch. It was a really good thing for me.
After they left, I started getting really anxious. I've had a rash on my back since last night and I think it's the nerves. I felt like I needed to be doing something even though I was putting together a puzzle. But it's like that wasn't enough.
Finally, they called me in to talk to the psychosocial analyst lady. I had been talking a lot, but man, when I got in there, it was crazy. I had to go get a bottle of water because my mouth was getting dry.
Immediately after, I was able to speak with the on-call doctor. I did the same thing. In his words, I "came in, started talking, and didn't shut up." After that, I didn't quite feel relieved, just tired and with a headache. His diagnosis was bipolar disorder and he says he doesn't think I have ADHD at all. I start my new medication tomorrow. I'm a little bit anxious, but also very excited.
Jesse came to see me, which was a complete surprise. He and I go to church together. It was nice to see a familiar face and to know that somebody cared. I needed that. I let him read what I'd written in my journal and asked if he had any questions. Poor thing, I think he was still in shock. He never saw it coming. And he actually workes in the psych ward of a hospital!
I asked him to call Seth for me. I had left Seth a message this morning, asked Becca to text him, and was anxious for him to call back. He called not long after Jesse left, which was also unexpected. It made my day though. I asked him to come visit tomorrow. I so hope he will.
I have this gnawing fear though, stemming from my insecurity, that he will be turned away by my condition. I am so afraid that he will confirm my suspicion that I am unlovable. But surely he will come. Surely we have built enough of a friendship to withstand this. Surely. So I hope.
I expressed to Tomasz my belief that I am unlovable. He was so patient with me. He wrote 5 affirmations to help me think positively then he made me list my strengths. It's hard to tell yourself you have good qualities when you've convinced yourself you're a failure with no worth. But I think it has helped to have someone who believes in me.
Tomasz and I exchanged books and I promised to help him make a list tomorrow. He also reminded me of my promise to teach him to read music. All for tomorrow. I am praying for God's wisdom and guidance as I speak to him about faith. I'm also praying that Seth will come. Please Father. You know the desires of my heart. But even so, Thy will, not mine.
After they left, I started getting really anxious. I've had a rash on my back since last night and I think it's the nerves. I felt like I needed to be doing something even though I was putting together a puzzle. But it's like that wasn't enough.
Finally, they called me in to talk to the psychosocial analyst lady. I had been talking a lot, but man, when I got in there, it was crazy. I had to go get a bottle of water because my mouth was getting dry.
Immediately after, I was able to speak with the on-call doctor. I did the same thing. In his words, I "came in, started talking, and didn't shut up." After that, I didn't quite feel relieved, just tired and with a headache. His diagnosis was bipolar disorder and he says he doesn't think I have ADHD at all. I start my new medication tomorrow. I'm a little bit anxious, but also very excited.
Jesse came to see me, which was a complete surprise. He and I go to church together. It was nice to see a familiar face and to know that somebody cared. I needed that. I let him read what I'd written in my journal and asked if he had any questions. Poor thing, I think he was still in shock. He never saw it coming. And he actually workes in the psych ward of a hospital!
I asked him to call Seth for me. I had left Seth a message this morning, asked Becca to text him, and was anxious for him to call back. He called not long after Jesse left, which was also unexpected. It made my day though. I asked him to come visit tomorrow. I so hope he will.
I have this gnawing fear though, stemming from my insecurity, that he will be turned away by my condition. I am so afraid that he will confirm my suspicion that I am unlovable. But surely he will come. Surely we have built enough of a friendship to withstand this. Surely. So I hope.
Saturday, February 14th
10:45 p.m.
10:45 p.m.
I'm sitting in the bathroom floor, trying not to disturb my roommate. She has done nothing but sleep. I can sympathize, though. Without my Adderall tomorrow, I know I will be so tired.
I just got done having another intense conversation with Tomasz. It's so crazy that we ended up here at the same time. I was 12 when I first met him. My dad was his commander. It's a crazy world. And a small one at that.
I truly believe that this is no coincidence. We were meant to impact each other's life in a positive way. He is helping me sort through my issues and I really feel that God placed me here to help him find his faith again. I really believe that.
After my manic high earlier today, I could feel the depression creeping back. I cried tonight for the first time since I've been here. Tomasz had been telling me about his past relationships. Then he asked me a few questions. I came here with the knowledge that I would need to share things I wasn't entirely comfortable sharing. It didn't take long for the conversation to get to Seth. I was more open with him about the whole thing than I have been with anyone, maybe even Seth. By that, I mean that I would never admit to Seth that I love him. But Tomasz already knew. Just like Jesse knew weeks ago. I can't always hold that smile and hide the pain. What I didn't tell Tomasz was that I had read Seth's journal (with his permission), that I had read that he still loves another, that the knowledge that her memory trumped any moment we had ever had together cut me so deep. I have always feared falling in love. And now, knowing that my love will not be returned, I am terrified of being left exposed, of being trampled on, of being abandoned. This is why I first began to cry.
I just got done having another intense conversation with Tomasz. It's so crazy that we ended up here at the same time. I was 12 when I first met him. My dad was his commander. It's a crazy world. And a small one at that.
I truly believe that this is no coincidence. We were meant to impact each other's life in a positive way. He is helping me sort through my issues and I really feel that God placed me here to help him find his faith again. I really believe that.
After my manic high earlier today, I could feel the depression creeping back. I cried tonight for the first time since I've been here. Tomasz had been telling me about his past relationships. Then he asked me a few questions. I came here with the knowledge that I would need to share things I wasn't entirely comfortable sharing. It didn't take long for the conversation to get to Seth. I was more open with him about the whole thing than I have been with anyone, maybe even Seth. By that, I mean that I would never admit to Seth that I love him. But Tomasz already knew. Just like Jesse knew weeks ago. I can't always hold that smile and hide the pain. What I didn't tell Tomasz was that I had read Seth's journal (with his permission), that I had read that he still loves another, that the knowledge that her memory trumped any moment we had ever had together cut me so deep. I have always feared falling in love. And now, knowing that my love will not be returned, I am terrified of being left exposed, of being trampled on, of being abandoned. This is why I first began to cry.
I expressed to Tomasz my belief that I am unlovable. He was so patient with me. He wrote 5 affirmations to help me think positively then he made me list my strengths. It's hard to tell yourself you have good qualities when you've convinced yourself you're a failure with no worth. But I think it has helped to have someone who believes in me.
Tomasz and I exchanged books and I promised to help him make a list tomorrow. He also reminded me of my promise to teach him to read music. All for tomorrow. I am praying for God's wisdom and guidance as I speak to him about faith. I'm also praying that Seth will come. Please Father. You know the desires of my heart. But even so, Thy will, not mine.
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