Only the Embers Remain

So, I haven't posted in exactly 3 weeks. A lot has happened in that time, but I'm sure the important stuff will all come out eventually. I'm going to pick up right where I left off, start as if I never stopped, begin with today.

I am not well. I feel it. I see it. I know it. It's amazing to me that no one else has noticed it, because it seems so obvious to me. But I don't suppose anyone can be expected to know what they haven't been told.

I can barely force myself to press down the keys to type these words. I'm struggling to move thoughts around in my head, to actually engage my brain. The past week, I have felt completely dull. Not dull in the sense of boring, but dull in the sense of not alive. Rather than living, I am existing. I am surviving. But nothing more.

I'm unmotivated. I'm depressed. I'm despairing. I am floundering. And would you believe that I'm still very much medicated??? It frightens me to imagine what it would be like if I weren't taking any antidpressants or anything whatsoever. I have no doubt that I would be suicidal. As it is, I'm bordering on it. Wednesday, I was driving around, not knowing what do with myself, trying to work through a lot of crazy emotions. I found myself wondering, "what if I intentionally missed this curve? What if I crashed into that? What if I ran off that bank?"

Thoughts of death have been plaguing me lately. I've even put 'write will' on my to-do list. Not that I expect I'll ever get to that. I rarely do anything on my to-do list. I just seem to sit here. I couldn't tell you how I spend my 8 hours at work. All I know is that I show up and at some point, I leave. But in between, I don't remember a thing. Which is how I used to be all the time. Which makes me wonder if my depression hasn't developed into full blown MDD (major depressive disorder).

My Adderall doesn't seem to be doing its job these days either. The biggest thing I've noticed is that it does keep me awake during the day. I missed one dose and slept half the day away, yawning through all my classes. I can't get started on anything and I'm crazy impulsive. I've accumulated over $300 in overdraft fees in the past week.

I keep hearing things like, "you've just got to grab your bootstraps and do what you gotta do" and "you decide the way your life turns out". These are very motivational and all. And I know they are true to some extent, but I can't help but think that there's just more to it in my situation.

Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. Maybe I don't want to accept the blame that rightfully falls on my shoulders, but maybe, just maybe, there's something more. I can tell you that I am so tired of running off of will-power alone. Nobody has that kind of self-discipline. Or maybe they do. And I just fail at life. Shrug.

The only thing I know for certain is that I'm tired. Tired of pretending, tired of knowing what needs to be done and not finding the energy to do it. Tired of looking for happiness and running away from the things that will bring it. I'm tired of not caring. I'm tired of worrying about how bad the consequences are gonna suck, tired of messing up and not learning the lessons. I'm so tired of living this way.

I have been to one class this week. One. I haven't done my online classwork for the past two weeks. And I skipped several classes before I stopped going altogether. I know what I need to do. I need to go to class. I know what I want to do. I want to get my scholarship back. But I can't get myself to do what's necessary, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I beat myself up, no matter how much I consider the end results of my actions.

I've lost the ability to live my life. Instead, I've fallen once more into a pit of darkness, that place where I lose my will to live, to shine. I visited my old choir teacher today. She said that sometimes events in our lives can be like rain on the fire that is our soul. The fire doesn't go out, but the rain sometimes leaves us smoldering and wishing for the days when we were blazing. I can't see any remnants of the fire I once had. She said it was still there, that she could see it. That made my day. If only I could see what she saw, maybe then I'd be okay. But somehow, I doubt it. For some reason, I think there's more to it than that. But more on that tomorrow.