1Timothy 4:12

This is a letter I recently gave to a younger girl in my church.



My dearest Keri,

I am writing you this letter because God has put you on my heart. He has really burdened me lately to start mentoring. In case you are a little unclear on what that word means, as I was, I've looked it up in my super huge gigantanormous dictionary. Webster says that a mentor is a close, trusted, and experienced guide. Now I don't know about that last one, but I would love to really get to know you and earn your trust.

I want to be the person that you call when you're crying and don't know what to do. I can be the girl who makes you laugh when that stupid boy dumps you. I'll always be ready to pray with you when you have something on your heart. I'll pray for you every day. Everyone needs some encouragement at some point. I will tell you that you're a beautiful soul and point out the good things in you when all you can see is bad.

I can be the one to show you tough love when you need it; because I'm looking from the outside in, I can tell you when you're doing something wrong. I can hold you accountable for your actions and warn you when you've made a wrong turn.

I know I'm not very old. I just turned 18. But I've been where you are. And I've figured out a few things since then. I just want to share that knowledge with you, maybe leave you better off than I was. I know I'm not a perfect example. Jesus is your perfect example. But He's my example too. And I try every day to be more like Him. I want to be someone that you can look up to with respect and admiration. I want you to be able to see my Father through my actions. And I want to teach you to do the same.

I want to help you grow. Spiritually, relationally, mentally (I can tutor you if you need it). I love you unconditionally and I'm not going anywhere. I'll be there for you.

Of course, all of that is well and good, but useless if you don't want me to be your mentor. I would be honored if you accepted and I believe we will have a lot of good times together. Pray about it if you need to. Talk to me tonight if you feel led to. Do whatever you've gotta do. Just know that I'll love you either way.

with all my heart,

Julie





1 Timothy 4:12

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

The Beauty of Butterflies

I guess I have a lot to tell, since it's been a week and an eventful week at that. I'll start with what's going on this very moment.

I am so happy. Me and my mom went to my new psychiatrist today. I haven't been sleeping worth a flip. We're talking I wake up anywhere from twice to six times a night. So, he gave me something for that, which I have yet to try out. That's not really why I'm happy anyway. He said that I DO have ADHD as well as bipolar disorder. So he started me on Vyvance. And let me tell, you I feel great. I can actually study now. I can get things accomplished. I can be myself again. It's so liberating. I'm lovin it right now.

Additionally, I've found a new romance prospect. It's really been so crazy. He's a guy I dated my sophomore year. I went on my first date with him. He made me laugh so hard and I was so comfortable with him. We wrote multiple page long notes and could talk for hours. He was such a great friend. The problem was, that's all I saw him as. So I broke it off after 2 months. Even still, I felt so respected afterwards. We had never even kissed. It was and still is the only relationship I have absolutely no regrets about. We remained friends after the split, although we lost touch what with going to different schools and whatnot.

I saw him this past fall. I was at Wal-Mart waiting on my oil to be changed. I was so manic, it's not even funny. So I decided to go virtual shopping. Basically, I grabbed a cart and threw anything and everything I like in it. Cris caught me in the clothing department. It was not a good day. He gave me a hug. I so needed it. It was that moment, though, that I realized that there was something more.

This past week, I was trying to reach out to some friends that I had kind of ditched during the course of my bipolar onset. I had always considered him to be one of my best friends, even when we didn't stay in contact. Cris had texted me a few days before asking for prayer for his mom, who undergoes surgery tomorrow morning. So I decided to text him. We talked and made plans for him to come over to help me with my guitar (because I am terrible). That was for Friday. On Thursday, I texted him, telling him he should come see me at work. I was bored, as usual, but I think something small wanted very much that something more.

He came to see me and stayed for about an hour. We talked and laughed like no time had passed. Later, he confessed to me that our brief meeting had reminded him of how things had been the first time. I confessed that it had made me wish for a second try.

A whirlwind of emotions and butterflies and hearts melting ensued. He took me on a picnic today. I love being with him. Because with him, I'm just me. No one else, not trying to impress. Not worried that he'll judge me. I can just be. And that is beautiful.

At Long Last

I'm sitting outside the choir room. I love the sound of a choir. It's so beautiful. The choirs were my favorite part of the orchestra performance last week. Music is how I self-medicate. It moves me. It brings tears at times, fuels my fury at others. I love the way music portrays emotion. And I prefer to feel my emotions fully, especially my sadness.

I wrote my first song Saturday. I take that back. I wrote one last summer at Church Camp. But this is the first decent one.

Saturday night, I got the definitive we're-not-getting-back-together from Seth. I thought I'd cry all night. Finally I got up and started writing. By the time I finished, I was able to sleep.

I cried less this time than I did when I broke up with him. I think in some very small way, I was relieved. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was something concrete.

All the back and forth and uncertainty did a number on me. I was so torn up about it constantly. At last, I have some closure. Now I can move on, be free of the worry and pain that threatened to rip my heart in two.

This Made My Day

I was completely caught off guard when I heard from Margaret, a girl who had been a year ahead of me at the math and science school. She sent me the most beautiful message and I thought I'd share it with you guys.


Hi Julie, it's been a while since I've talked to you.I was wondering if I ever told you how much I admire you. It seems like I may have never actually told you, and I figured maybe I should. When I'm having a bad day, I don't mind a compliment. I'm not entirely sure, but you seem to be having a rough time as of late. Maybe I can make you smile.

You are quite possibly the most beautiful, kind, amazing person I have ever met. You're open and friendly to everyone, even people like me who probably don't deserve it, or certainly didn't when I last saw you.

You have a voice like an angel, and you make everyone around you feel happier and better just because you are there.

At the begining of last school year, I was insanely jealous of the beautiful junior who breezed through the doors and charmed everyone with her bright smile and warm, wonderful personality. My kind of jealousy couldn't stand, though, because I tend to dislike those I'm jealous of, and there was no way to dislike you. :) I was probably a total and complete jerk to you, but you just smiled and were kind. Even I, who was called ice-queen several times that semester, thawed out and smiled around you.

Recently, I've been making some big changes in my life. I've been looking around to see what kind of woman I want to become. At one point when I was looking for inspiration, I came across your Facebook profile. I was instantly in the memory of this wonderful woman with pretty curls and that beautiful personality. I remembered the night I hung out in your room and tried on everything in your closet with Dani running in and out. I remembered random conversations in the halls about our mutual love of big, flowy skirts and the laugh you made when I commented on your "hooah!" army shirt.

Among conversations of our favorite people to have met at ASMSA, my friends and I always manage to mention you. I'm not sure how many of them really sat down and talked to you, or if they were very close, but I have never heard a single un-complimentary thing about you. I don't know how you are, but I always am interested in the impression I leave people. The one you left was honestly one of the best I've ever seen among everyone.

I don't know if you needed or wanted to know any of this. I just feel that it's a good thing to remind people of how amazing they are. I once heard that a good way to become a happier person is to give three compliments a day. Even if it's something as simple as "Wow, I love your hair!" or "That's a beautiful shirt. The color really makes your eyes pop." (I think I got it out of a Seventeen Magazine or something like that).So now, I try to do that. I try to make other people smile when I can, because that goodness is kinda like Kharma. It comes back, somehow. So, I'm giving some goodness to you.

You are an amazing, beautiful person, inside and out. You are talented and kind and bring happiness, fun and joy with you where ever you go. Your laugh is infectious, and your smile is a cure for whatever ailments a person might be having.

You're the kind of person who has the world at their feet and endless possiblities. I would love to see where you go with them.

I just thought you should know that. I hope you can smile at something, even if it's just making fun of one of your really crazy seniors. :P

Have a *great* day, Julie. You deserve it. :)

Journey

I'm sure you're getting tired of my lists. You may also find that you're beginning to get bored with the dull monotony of a crazy person's life. So here's something a little different. Ironically, I titled it on impulse and soon forgot what I had called it. Here is 'Journey'.

A dark and foreign universe awaits outside my door.
I cherish the home I've known so long. But I desire more.
I view this world from my curtained window, trembling with fear.
Quickly I approach a crossroad; the time to choose is near.
Do I follow the course of old or create another path?
I've tallied up the pros and cons. I'm scared to do the math.
I know where this road will lead. I know what lies ahead.
But certainty cannot allay this surging swell of dread.
The waves are crashing at my door. The walls begin to fall.
A new life blooms before me. It's time to stand up tall.
Though frightening is the world outside, I know that I belong.
I seize the latch, walk out the door. It's time now to be strong.
Icy water rushes at my legs. I gasp and scream for help.
I move into the realm of light. I take another step.
This journey I must make alone. My fate I must decide.
The tide has washed away my mask; I can no longer hide.
The person that I will become begins anew today.
A new dawn rises in the sky. Dawn wraps me in her rays.
Blinded by the brilliance of hope, I travel not by sight.
I trust that I will find my way. My future is so bright.
I don't know what I'm walking toward. I just know that I am safe.
The Shepherd said to follow Him. I walk this path by faith.
I've left behind my comfort zone. I'm left exposed and bare.
I'm quivering from loneliness. I sense the devil's stare.
Despair and overwhelming fear consume my heart and soul.
He'll use every tool he has to keep me from my goal.
The sky has turned again to black. I don't know where I am.
Why can't I find my way back home? What is the Master's plan?
I don't know where I want to go. I hardly know myself.
I stumble, fall, and pierce my soul. I have no spirit left.
Hopeless I lie motionless. When will this torment end?
I'm wandering blind. I'm cold. It's dark. Where has the warm sun been?
I question all I've ever known. This world's become so harsh.
The girl I was and who I am are galaxies apart.
I'm afraid of who I may be when all is said and done.
I'm terrified to know if I will like who I become.

Looking back now, it's so obvious to me. I can see the bipolar at work, see how it affected me. It's so crazy for me right now. Because that seemed normal to me. I can't say that I even realized I was going up and down. I just knew that I was never quite happy. And now to know that there is something different out there, something better, and to have a taste of it, is so amazing to me. I am so thankful that I have the semblance of normalcy that I do, because compared to before, this is indescribably good.

Whims and Fancies

If you haven't noticed, every time I post, I add another phrase to my "I will..." section. I desperately needed some inspiration for today's post, so I flipped to the next phrase I had planned. Lo and behold, an idea came to me. It said I will be excited about my life. Now I thought, "how am I supposed to do that?"

With all the monotony and routines of day-to-day life, it's easy to become bored and kind of like whatever about your life. There are a few things that I think contribute to being excited about your life. First of all, you have to like yourself. My last post covered that topic quite nicely. Second, you must have your spiritual life in order. You'll never find peace, much less excitement in a life that has no meaning to you. Third, it is necessary to go beyond yourself, to volunteer, to do something that makes you feel like you're making a difference in the world. Beyond that, the most important thing I can think of is allowing yourself to dream.

I'm making another list or two today. I'm going to allow myself to dream big. Some of these things may be a little out there, but sometimes they need to be. Sometimes you have to have dreams you'll never accomplish, simply for the sake of having them. It's the act of letting your fancy fly that makes life more exciting. It will be even more awesome to accomplish some of the things that I list. Enjoy!

Dream Jobs:

1. children's counselor with my current psychologist
2. news anchor/reporter
3. interior designer
4. teacher
5. florist
6. cruise ship worker
7. missionary
8. model
9. translator
10. book store owner

Random Dreams:

• design and build my own house
• adopt a child from each continent
• take a hot air balloon ride
• go rock climbing
• write a book
• open my own store
• travel to Italy

Now go make your own list! Seriously.

25 Ways to Love Yourself

I had another therapy session today. It really opened my eyes to something I had been missing. My counselor told me that she was proud of me. Proud of me for making the progress I have. Proud of me for getting the help I needed. Proud of me for being strong and persevering despite my circumstances. She said she hoped I was proud of myself too.

I'm learning to love myself more every day. So instead of writing about how to love yourself more, to avoid being preachy, today I'm going to practice it. I'm going to make a list of 25 things I love about myself. This is actually going to be challenging, although it shouldn't. A person should be able to list off their strengths just as easily as their shortcomings.

Now is not the time for modesty. I'm going to compliment myself, flatter myself, basically be arrogant. But it's okay if they're true things. I realize they don't make me better than anyone else. But feeling above others is not my problem. It's feeling beneath them. Anyway. Here goes nuthin.

1. I have a brilliant mind.
2. I am pretty, some have even said beautiful.
3. I genuinely care about others.
4. I'm generous with my time.
5. I am a gifted writer.
6. I am a talented singer.
7. I am a loyal friend.
8. I dress uniquely, but nicely.
9. I'm a heck of a make-up wizard.
10. I'm a decent cook.
11. I do not use profanity.
12. I am the limbo queen.
13. I have real curves.
14. I am a good leader.
15. If I set a goal, I will stop at nothing to achieve it.
16. I am a hard worker.
17. I'm a phenomenal multi-tasker.
18. I try to keep God first.
19. I have a sense of rhythm. (a.k.a. I can dance)
20. I love to volunteer.
21. I adore laughter and produce it at every opportunity.
22. I am a very accepting person. I love everyone for who they are, and sometimes in spite of who they are.
23. I pursue my dreams passionately.
24. I am a good listener.
25. I actively seek to lead a life of purity.

There for a minute, I didn't think it was possible. It makes me feel good to know that there are 25 things I can love about myself. I encourage you to leave a comment with a list of your own. It may be a challenge, but it's a good lesson in loving yourself as you are.

Tears of Reluctance

My talk with the counselor went well. A few of the points that stuck with me, I'll mention. She said that I'm too hard on myself. My mental health needs to come before anything. And I need to worry less about what others think about what I do. She pointed out that my best wasn't good enough for me. For too long, I've based "good enough" off others' perceptions. She told me I was handling my situation remarkably well and I wasn't giving myself enough credit.

I called Mama after lunch. I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with, which made me feel depressed. So I called and told her the events of the morning. After all that crying, I felt sufficiently drained.

After choir, I came home and ate half the house. I took my sister tanning then came home and went to bed. She had really irritated me and sleep was my escape. She had told me that I didn't have any friends because I hadn't put forth the effort. Then she told me that I needed to walk away from Seth. Both of which may be true, but I didn't care to hear either.

I was summoned to dinner, which is just as well, as I had fallen asleep in my sneakers. When I had eaten, me and Mama were talking about my medication. The conversation turned to school and stress. After a lot of tears, I reluctantly admitted that maybe I shouldn't try to get my scholarship back. Like I said, my mental health has to come first. And by trying to catch up in all these classes when I can't concentrate to study, I'm only making my condition worse.

So I'm going to drop from 14 hours all the way down to 4. I'm going to work at Family Farm, a Christian Day Camp, this summer, which is my heart's desire. I don't know yet what I'm going to do this next fall, but it'll all be okay. I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'm going to live my life and enjoy it. After all, I wasn't even supposed to graduate yet. I'm ahead of the game.

Relapse

I'm sitting here at school in the waiting room of the counseling center. I desperately need to talk to someone, but both counselors are occupied, so I have an appointment at 11.

Today sucks. I had a make-up Spanish test at 8. I got here on time, but I skipped it. Then I had a sociology test at 9. I skipped that too. Because I didn't show up for my make-up this morning, I skipped my Spanish class at 10. Now, I'll be missing macro to speak with the counselor.

Let me explain why I started skipping classes in the first place. If I had taken either test, I would have failed spectacularly. I didn't study. Not one word. It's not like I have a job where I spend Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights doing absolutely nothing. Oh wait! I do.

I knew I needed to study then, but I found it impossible to make myself start. I don't think I would have met with much success if I had. I can't concentrate for very long these days. The only reason I can write is that the thoughts would make my head explode if I didn't get them out. But sometimes I can't even do that.

Walking over here, I got really scared. I was thinking about how my moods are always screwed up and never just normal. I got to thinkin about how tired I am am of living like this. That's when it dawned on me. Those are exactly the kinds of thoughts I had last time, when I was suicidal. And I don't ever wanna be there again.

Basically, I'm here because I'm freaking out. My medications's not working, I won't see my psychiatrist for another two weeks, and I'm afraid I won't get my scholarship back at this rate. I don't want to have to drop out. That would make me feel like I had failed again.

In the Moment

I'm sitting on my bed, being serenaded by the mooing of calves under my window. I'm all dressed up and so excited. I'm going to the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra with Seth. We're going as friends. I know this, but can't a girl hope? I feel like I'm about to go on an amazing date. I've got that anxious, excited, queasy feeling in my stomach.

I feel like there might still be something there, if I can just chill out and let it happen. I want so bad to be with him, but I'm realizing that I'll be okay if I'm not. It's an on-going journey that still has a lot of miles left, but I'm making progress.

I've got this huge fear of rejection. I don't want to lose one of my best friends. I don't want to feel like I've invested so much and then was left hanging. So usually, I try too hard. I make things awkward because I can't just let things unfold naturally. I'm scared. So I rush it.

But tonight, I'm going to be in the moment. I'm going to enjoy the time I've got with Seth. I'm going to thank God for putting him in my life and be grateful for this chance to spend time with him. I'm not going to worry about what will or won't happen between us in the future and I'm going to focus on the here and now. I'm going to laugh a lot and enjoy the performance. I'm not going to think about whether he's thinking about us romantically. I'm not going to worry myself to death over what he meant by a certain phrase or gesture. Things will work out the way God wants and there's nothing I can do to change that.