Relapse

I'm sitting here at school in the waiting room of the counseling center. I desperately need to talk to someone, but both counselors are occupied, so I have an appointment at 11.

Today sucks. I had a make-up Spanish test at 8. I got here on time, but I skipped it. Then I had a sociology test at 9. I skipped that too. Because I didn't show up for my make-up this morning, I skipped my Spanish class at 10. Now, I'll be missing macro to speak with the counselor.

Let me explain why I started skipping classes in the first place. If I had taken either test, I would have failed spectacularly. I didn't study. Not one word. It's not like I have a job where I spend Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights doing absolutely nothing. Oh wait! I do.

I knew I needed to study then, but I found it impossible to make myself start. I don't think I would have met with much success if I had. I can't concentrate for very long these days. The only reason I can write is that the thoughts would make my head explode if I didn't get them out. But sometimes I can't even do that.

Walking over here, I got really scared. I was thinking about how my moods are always screwed up and never just normal. I got to thinkin about how tired I am am of living like this. That's when it dawned on me. Those are exactly the kinds of thoughts I had last time, when I was suicidal. And I don't ever wanna be there again.

Basically, I'm here because I'm freaking out. My medications's not working, I won't see my psychiatrist for another two weeks, and I'm afraid I won't get my scholarship back at this rate. I don't want to have to drop out. That would make me feel like I had failed again.