Tears of Reluctance

My talk with the counselor went well. A few of the points that stuck with me, I'll mention. She said that I'm too hard on myself. My mental health needs to come before anything. And I need to worry less about what others think about what I do. She pointed out that my best wasn't good enough for me. For too long, I've based "good enough" off others' perceptions. She told me I was handling my situation remarkably well and I wasn't giving myself enough credit.

I called Mama after lunch. I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with, which made me feel depressed. So I called and told her the events of the morning. After all that crying, I felt sufficiently drained.

After choir, I came home and ate half the house. I took my sister tanning then came home and went to bed. She had really irritated me and sleep was my escape. She had told me that I didn't have any friends because I hadn't put forth the effort. Then she told me that I needed to walk away from Seth. Both of which may be true, but I didn't care to hear either.

I was summoned to dinner, which is just as well, as I had fallen asleep in my sneakers. When I had eaten, me and Mama were talking about my medication. The conversation turned to school and stress. After a lot of tears, I reluctantly admitted that maybe I shouldn't try to get my scholarship back. Like I said, my mental health has to come first. And by trying to catch up in all these classes when I can't concentrate to study, I'm only making my condition worse.

So I'm going to drop from 14 hours all the way down to 4. I'm going to work at Family Farm, a Christian Day Camp, this summer, which is my heart's desire. I don't know yet what I'm going to do this next fall, but it'll all be okay. I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'm going to live my life and enjoy it. After all, I wasn't even supposed to graduate yet. I'm ahead of the game.