Oh to be free!

I had a productive therapy session today. Although, I must say it was unorthodox. My counselor and I discussed my anger issues. Or rather, she pointed out that I don't allow myself to get angry, which can be just as damaging as the opposite extreme.

It was really cathartic to sort through all my stuff. My counselor told me to get in touch with the pain from my childhood. That's scary. Letting yourself be lost to your emotions is not something that comes naturally. We all want to maintain that control.

She had me imagine my dad was sitting in the chair across from me. Then she told me to tell him everything I had ever wanted to say to him, to let myself be angry.

I had never realized the extent to which I esteemed my father. I was afraid to be angry with him. I didn't feel like I had the right. Even more than that, I have a fear of telling people what I think or feel. So vocalizing my anger was doubly hard.

Hot tears began to spill down my face as I felt the anger, the hurt of a little girl who loved her daddy but had been disappointed and lied to.

"You hurt me. You should have been there, but you weren't. When you said you'd be there and you never showed up, when you didn't call for a year, I wanted to hate you. I shouldn't have had to feel like that. You were irresponsible and childish. You should have acted like my dad. You made me think it was my fault. But it's not my fault. It's not my fault," I sobbed, repeatedly beating the chair with a pillow off the couch.

I can't tell you how liberating it was to allow myself to think those things, to put the blame where it belongs. I had to admit to myself that my father was a sorry loser. I had to allow myself to think he was a lousy person and a good-for-nothing father. I had to realize all this and internalize it to clear up the clutter. It was this clutter that had been preventing me from internalizing all the good stuff. People would tell me I was good enough, that I was lovable, that there was nothing wrong with me. But I wouldn't believe them. Because inside, to some degree, I still wanted to believe my dad was the good guy in everything.

Now that that matter is cleared up, I feel somewhat freed, like I've been weighted down and all of a sudden I can fly again. I feel so loved by my Heavenly Father right now. He is lifting my burdens one by one and I'm seeing more each day how He's working in my life.

This has been a big step in forgiving my dad. Forgiveness is not justifying what he did or saying that it doesn't matter. Rather, it is the acknowledgment that I have no control over what he or anyone else does. Forgiveness is being able to say, "you were a jerk. But I'm not going to allow that to determine my life." Forgiveness is an acceptance of someone's actions. Not an admission that those actions were acceptable, but a realization that you have no control over them. Forgiveness sets you free. It means that nothing else holds sway over you. It means that there are things you cannot control, but that you have the power to choose what you make of those things. Forgiveness means that once more you are in control of your life.