Bridgeway: Day 7

Thursday, February 19
6:47 a.m.

There is no way I would be up this early under normal circumstances. No way. They drew some blood to check my lithium level and they had to catch me before I ate or went to the bathroom or anything. So. Here I am.

They're talking like I'll get to go home today. Hoorah! Oh, I'm so ready. So ready. There are about 4 people here who were here when I arrived. Everyone else has gone home. And a couple have come and gone since I've been here. It makes it feel lonely.

Thursday, February 19

8:29 p.m.

I'm home. Finally home. It's all so weird. everything feels so strange. It's like something unidentifiable, something intangible has changed. It's my hope that that "something" is me and that it is a change for the better. 6 days in the Bridgeway can't have been for nothing.

I had hoped to be able to come home and start over. By start over, I mean pretend like nothing had happened and start fresh. Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. My past mistakes will still follow me and I will deal with the consequences and results. That really sucks. It's going to make it so much harder to stay positive and not dwell on my shortcomings when I'll be reminded of them daily. My finances will be managed by my parents, I will be restricted to school and work, and I'm starting out with pretty much zero trust. It's hard not to victimize myself and I don't know what to do with all my anger.

Anger is a new emotion for me. Depression, now that's a typical response for me. But the sensation of being mad and not internalizing it to be mad at myself is something entirely new to me. I haven't experienced something like this in years. Anger without self-hatred, anger withough pain, anger that is healthy, albeit misguided.