What now?

I had the most incredibly vivid and real and terrifying dream I can ever recall. This morning.  My mom woke me up around 9:45 to make sure I wasn't missing my appointment.  It's NEXT Wednesday, so I promptly went back to sleep.

The first part I remember, I was in a house.  In a dining room.  Maybe sitting at a table.  There were parts of this dream that I remember only vaguely.  I was in this house with Lord Voldemort.  I think another person or two was also imprisoned.  Not with chains or anything tangible.  But we knew that we couldn't leave.  I recall feeling a very strong sense of what I can only describe as evil.  He was angry.  He hated us.  Despised us.  And I could feel it.

The last month has brought one of the worst tornado outbreaks in recorded history to the American South.  And the last year has seen earthquakes in Arkansas, which were previously a rare and at best, hardly perceptible occurrence, become rather frequent and noticeable.  My dream moved away from Lord Voldemort, I think.  Someone came to warn us that a great earthquake was only moments away.  I don't think that's something you can be warned of like that, but remember this was a dream.

I ran into a bedroom with two of my friends.  We hid under two blankets.  I don't remember now who the girl in the bed under the other blanket was, but she was defiinitely someone I knew.  The girl I shared a blanket with is a different matter.  Here, I'll call her Natalie.

I know it's a perfectly irrational thing, to hid under blankets when an earthquake is expected to hit.  But again, this was a dream.  And these were special blankets.  They were somehow protective.

So there's this earthquake gonna happen, we all know there are multiple, powerful tornadoes in the neighborhood, at this very moment, and we are petrified.  I don't remember any screaming though.

This is where it gets intense.  Many of the details are blurry, but I hope I never forget the way I felt.

We were lying on our backs as our blanket-covered world began to toss violently. A deafening roar filled the room, our ears, our thoughts.  Molten lava rolled in waves toward us, swallowing up roadways and power lines, adding the rumbling hiss of flames to the apocalyptic cacophony.  We were still under the blankets.

There came to me a realization without the faintest hint of uncertainty: the world was coming to an end.  Perhaps this wasn't quite the end, but it would be our end.

The roaring never went away, but I didn't need to shout for Natalie to hear me. For whatever reason, I was very comfortable that I knew the nameless girl's condition, but I had a question for Natalie.  "If we die right now, will I see you in heaven?"  She answered with a slightly delayed and weak, "yeah".  I was at first uncomfortable with that reply, but then I realized that the hesitation  in her voice was fear.  I felt that fear too.  She asked, "what about you?" and I said, "absolutely."

Her next words are what haunted me all day.  "What now?"  My response was actually a rather profound revelation.  I will use quotations only on the words I remember saying specifically, and I will do my best to accurately recreate the rest.  "My only prayer is that" I can stay to make sure someone else will be there (Heaven) too.

But at this point, we knew we were gone.  The magma was getting closer, the roaring becoming louder, or world was sloshing like an 'ocean-in-a-bottle' in the hands of a fascinated 8-yr old.  I recall questioning why I was afraid.  The answer was simple.  This death would inevitably be painful.

The heat pressed in closer and heavier.  It was so hard to breathe.  I had in my heart a prayer that never became words.  Please let this be quick.  I don't want to hurt long.  Yellow magma so hot it was almost white filled my vision.  The thunderous howling pushed most of my thoughts from my head.  I struggled for those last gulps of oxygen.

Just as I was about to die, I landed hard on my left knee and right hip.  My right elbow met with the floor and pain shot up to my shoulder.  I gasped for that first breath.

In movies, you see dramatizations of gasping for air.  A person nearly drowns, but by some miracle, the water is expelled and this person sputters and gasps for that first breath.  This was a gasp for that air, but also a gasp for the first breath of life.

A sharp and heavy blow met with the middle of my back and I groaned.  But I was grateful to feel Natalie beside me and to hear her first desperate gasp.  A few greedy pants later, I looked over to see the nameless girl flip her blanket off and stare around, bewildered.  We had all thought we would be dead.  No. We had known it.  The only word I have for what filled that bedroom in that moment is 'wonder'.

I was gasping on the floor and then I woke up to see that my mom was calling me.



---Wednesday, May 11, 2011

This dream bothered me deeply, disturbed me.  My only prayer was not for my own rescue.  In that last moment, I wanted only to have another chance to bring another soul to Christ.  This is the closest I've ever come to having a "near-death experience".  But it was enough to make me realize that if I don't seize every opportunity I have to share God with the people I encounter.... in my very last moments, I will regret it.

If I remembered who the nameless girl was, I would have spoken to her.  But in Natalie's very own words, she told me "Yes you will".  I had to ask.

This dream has made me ponder a great deal lately.  Question myself very critically.  What am I doing with my life?  Not just generally.  Not just a career. Not just my purpose on this planet.  But how am I using this moment to fulfill that purpose.  Will my next hour be wasted or will I use it in a way I won't regret?  Will my next breath be used to bring someone to God?  Am I taking up space, breathing in oxygen, accomplishing little to be proud of, forgetting that these things are not what will matter in the end?  The resounding yes has me feeling very ashamed.  And very determined to change that.  So, what now?

What will we do now?