Intensely private. That's how I've come to describe myself. I've been disappointed and betrayed; I'm so jaded. So I keep to myself. Keep my most sacred, vulnerable parts locked in a high tower with no doors, surrounded by layers and layers of walls. This, I have known.
What I didn't quite realize, though, is how very afraid I am of ever letting anyone scale the walls of that tower. It scares me to death. Like, heart pounding, hands shaking, forgetting to breathe, approaching panic-stage fear. I didn't realize. And I'm not quite sure I understand.
I've come a long way. I know that I am lovable. I am most willing to let someone see me as I am. But it frightens me exceedingly. Haven't decided yet if I'm afraid of that vulnerability, if the wounds I've accumulated have made me shy. Perhaps it's that I've naively allowed uncaring people access to places in my heart they never deserved. Because of the pain those people have caused, I understand the gravity of the idea.
There will come a day in which I decide it's time. There will come a man who has earned entrance to that inner sanctum. There is One who knows me already. Knows my every flaw, knows every intimate detail of my past, has sat with me in every time of hurt and need, has seen my moments that bring glory, and witnessed those that bring shame. Yet He loves me just the same. He has a day written in my calendar. He has cast a man for that role. It will come. But for now, I am a princess in a tower.
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